To Those That Won’t Read This,

The last few years have been turbulent. Constant waves of stimulate joy and rock-bottom sorrow. I clung desperately to the idea that I was finally building meaningful relationships with people that would last.

Relationships with you.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have meaningful and deep relationships with some. Ones that I know are tethered to both souls. Instead of the chain I’ve attached to you while you drag me along like a kite with no wind. I can’t help but feel hurt, angry even. Can you not see what you’re doing to me?

I’ve never been good at making friends. I know a lot of it is my own doing. I get stuck in a tar pit of doubt that keeps me from attaching. But I try so hard. I will morph into anything you want me to be if it means you’ll stay. I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. That was until a series of events lead me to myself. With a clear mind, I finally found what I wanted to be. That’s when I met you.

It was unexpected timing. I wasn’t looking for you but we stumbled into each other. It felt natural and almost peaceful. I walked away from our first meeting with a flutter of excitement in my heart. Maybe this time the pieces would click.

They did. The days flew by. Every time we were together I felt free. I didn’t have to put on a mask to fit in. I was just me. I can’t even begin to describe that feeling. My deep rooted thoughts of discord and dread suddenly started to lose its grip. You didn’t even know the half of what I’ve been through before we met. Even now you don’t realize how much you helped me. Oh how I wish I could have seen the warning signs.

I put my all into you. I wanted to be there for you, listen to your woes. And I was there. Then you started referring to me as something I didn’t want. A figure I didn’t want to fill. That’s not what I was trying to be for you. I thought it was different. But that was ok; at least you were there. I am good at pretending. I’ll be that for you. I’ll be what you want. I’ll step backwards for you.

Time passed. I stated to notice the reality of what I was doing. Pulling desperately at your coat like a child trying to get their mothers attention. Sometimes you’d give me what I want. Most of the time I’d get nothing. The sorrow started to seep back into my heart. This wasn’t what I thought it was. Was it?

The nail in the coffin happened recently. I opened my arms longingly to the idea of you coming back. I pored everything I had into making you happy. What did you do? Call me what I hated once again. I cried alone in parking garage until I was numb. but I came back with a smile. For you.

I am so lucky and grateful for my partner. He listened and held me while the pain I’d been holding in finally spilled over. I accepted that I wasn’t as important to you as you are to me. That made me feel so incredibly devastated. My mind was clouded with embarrassed and anger. I put every fiber of my being into making you happy and this is what I get? How could you?

You forgot my birthday. What a petty thing to be mad at you for. It’s just, I always remembered yours. Baked for you. Made you thoughtful gifts. But you forgot mine. I distanced myself from you for the first time and you haven’t even reached out to me. I

Here I am again in a one sided relationship. You broke my heart. And you’ll never know. Because I know you won’t read this.

Part of me feels guilty for wanting more from our relationship. I keep telling myself it’s my fault I feel this way. I should have known I was always just a tag along, a slave to the well-being of those we associated with. I wish you would have asked me how I was.

I’ve made meaningful strides towards a happier me. Leaving toxic environments, abandoning life long obligations, and realizing I am not just a pawn in someone’s else’s game. It’s been incredibly hard. I’m still unhappy with how some things happened. I’m embarrassed, and find myself wading in a pool of guilt I sometimes struggle to stay above. That’s been my biggest hurdle, guilt.

I feel guilty for falling away from you. Cutting the line. But, you haven’t even noticed I did. I feel like I just came home from a day in the scorching sun; and my skin is burned and blistered. If I lay still, it doesn’t hurt as much. But if I’m touched, manipulate my body in the wrong way, the pain flares again. Soon enough the burns will heal, and the pain will subside. All I can do now is hope I’m better prepared for my next day in the sun.

This isn’t about one particular person. It’s an open letter to those I’ve tried so hard to please and build a relationship with and felt left behind and disappointed. I will no longer be submissive in my approach. I will know my worth and not settle for scraps of lackluster attention. I am a snake constantly shedding my skin that was once pristine. I can start over as many times as I need.

As much as this hurts me now and sends me into fits of anxiety and uncertainty; I know this is what I needed to do for my own healing. They say time heals; but sometimes time is what’s slowly poisoning you. Don’t wait for others to change. Stop the clock.

Erika